Fishbowl Mama

So, this bipolar 2 thing really gets irritating sometimes.  Through several various life circumstances everything I had been doing as a stable, recovering, person got rocked sideways.  So I find myself now in the middle of an almost overwhelming flood of thoughts and emotions and pain that I can’t seem to get a grip on.

I’m still here, still upright and still functioning…but this stupid disease makes it so difficult sometimes.  But as I have been treading through this last week, I’ve been thinking about things that help remind me of who I am.  This thought was sparked by this video posted by Dave Gibbons.

This is Nathaniel Ayers.  He is a cellist who studied at Julliard until schizophrenia took his mind.  Mr. Ayers was in psychiatric care until it was determined that he would not recover and was dumped on skid row and left homeless. (The movie “The Soloist” is the story of Mr Ayers’ .)  He still suffers from schizophrenia, but can still play his cello beautifully.  Mr. Ayers’ music reminds him of who he is.

Someone else I thought of is Calen Pick. He suffers from schizo-affective disorder, which is like having both bipolar and schizophrenia.
But as you can see, he is obviously a very talented artist. I would bet that painting helps Calen remember who he is.

So I have been thinking about what I cling to – about what it is that reminds me of who I am. I came up with a couple of things. The first one is playing with my kids. Not trying to get dishes done or start another load of laundry while we’re playing some kind of game. The get-down-in-your-face playing that makes you forget what the real world is. The kind of playing that has you wholly involved. I could spend a good long time playing with my kids. They are so smart and so creative.

The second thing I came up with is designing. I’ve been so worn out this week, but I’ve been trying to do something to keep me thinking. I was sooo excited to receive an email inviting me to test run the Standard Theme in beta version. Testing this theme out and designing a new face has kept me functional this week. Coming up with an idea, a plan, an image or something and getting it out of your head and onto something is what reminds me of who I am. It doesn’t have to be a web page, I’ve been working on graphics for a sermon series too (but I can’t post those yet.) And since I became a freelance designer, I have plenty to keep me busy.

But for weeks like this where I can’t focus well, I can’t communicate well, and I only want to sleep, creating something like this helps me remember who I am and who God created me to be.

Now, before I go, I want to address one small thing. Some of you might say, “Well you should be clinging to God when things are tough” or “Pray for God to remove your pain“. Those things are fine, but what I’m talking about is at a more primal level. My whole system is functioning down a notch in survival mode.

So, when I can’t effectively wrap my mind around seeking out God’s healing or if I can’t get my thoughts organized enough to pray, what can I do to remind me of who I am? That is where these things I’ve mentioned fit in. When I can’t get my thoughts out of my head with the words in the right order, or if I can barely remember to eat lunch, how do I stay connected? with God? with life? with my family?

I stay connected by clinging to what God created me for: being a mommy to my kids and expressing my creativity. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that even when I can’t do much else, one thing I can do is worship God. When I struggle with even the most basic of learned behaviors, I simply have to revert to instinct.

Worship. Simple, raw, desperate worship of the Creator of the Universe.

There are worse places to be.

What do you cling to?

I have been really struggling lately with some life things, but just as much with the anxiety and defeated-ness that was triggered. Still struggling but I’ve found a few things that distracted me enough so that my day wasn’t painful. Here’s what I’ve got.

1) Playing with the beta version of the new & upcoming Standard Theme. I was fortunate enough to get into a small group of testers and I’ve been having a good time. I’m sure you’ve noticed some of the wacky changes here. It’s okay. It’s just me playing.

2) Some very cool business cards. I’ve been looking for an idea or a thought on a unique business card for my design firm. I haven’t really come up with anything yet, but I did find these cool examples:

3) My Farmville Farm. It’s pretty mindless but requires just enough thought to keep me entertained.

Hopefully things will settle out soon. I was just telling someone earlier how thankful I am for medications that help me function closer to normal. Hooray for meds!

So what do you do when you’re struggling with life? What distracts you?

I just wanted to let you know that I’m testing a wordpress theme beta version so if you come back some time and it looks totally different, it’s okay. I’m trying to break it.

This video is so much fun! I dare you to watch it and NOT smile.

So I got to thinking, when was the last time I gave someone something to smile about? And not just that “hi-how-are-you-sure-i’m-fine” smile, but a genuine touching of souls smile. The one that lights up your eyes and theirs, a smile that might even give them permission to laugh out loud.

What could I do for someone this week that would be a moment of joy in their lives?

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.’” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

“If a woman is called to be a mom, she should mother even as Michelangelo painted or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. She should mother so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great mom who did her job well.’” – Martin Luther King, Jr. (my edits)

 

 

“If a man is called to be a dad, he should father even as Michelangelo painted or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should father so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great dad who did his job well.’” – Martin Luther King, Jr. (my edits)

 

 

“If a man is called to be a _________, he should _____________ even as Michelangelo painted or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should ____________ so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great ______________ who did his job well.’” – Martin Luther King, Jr.  (my edits)

Today’s scripture is 1 Peter 2:4-5, 9-10

4 As you come to him, the living Stone–rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him–5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

10 Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

The question for today is: In what ways do these verses inspire you?  How do they affect your perspective on the church?

Honestly, these verses are not what I would call inspiring.  Sure, they are reminding us that we didn’t used to belong to God.  But as far as inspiring me – not so much.

My perspective on the church, hasn’t really changed either.  I think maybe it would if I wasn’t alread a pastor’s wife.  I think the part about being made into a holy priesthood with sacrifices to God will resonate with anyone who has ever worked in ministry.  You are allowing God to use you and trying to follow Him in order to be a building block in the holy priesthood.  But some weeks it seems like everything is a sacrifice to God.

Sorry this is so short and not very good.  I’m struggling to keep my eyes open tonight.  So…off to bed. G’nite.

The scripture for today is Ephesians 4:11-16

11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers,12 to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up

13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

The question for today is: Why is it so striking that the goal for the church is to grow and build itself up in love?  Is your church growing toward this goal?

I think it is most striking to me that it does not say, We are supposed to be built up in love by our pastors.  It says we are supposed to be helping each other grow, building each other up.  I read a piece this week about this very topic, but I do find it interesting that one of the most common things in Christianity is that we expect someone else to build us up.  Very few will take the initiative to do it on their own.  And, some of those who take the initiative to build themselves up, do not seek out help from other siblings in Christ.  They try to go it alone.  And, really, they’re both wrong.  We should be actively trying to build and be built.

I was reading blogs the other night and came across this post:  Our Society, The Church, And Depression/Anxiety posted on Ragamuffin Soul.  Here’s what he asked:

I was watching a show on ABC last night and out of 5 commercial breaks, there were 5, count that, 5, depression and anxiety medication commercials.

Two questions…

What does this tell you and what is the churches responsibility in all of this?

Los

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Here’s what I said:

One thing I did want to mention is that for many things, there is a hereditary aspect to it.

I have bipolar II, which from what I have learned, is one of the mental illnesses most highly linked to genetics. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I think if your mama has it, then you’re stuck with it.

I believe that many mental illnesses are similar to things like alcoholism. What I mean is, if my father is an alcoholic, and one of his parents was an alcoholic, then I would be at a higher risk for becoming an alcoholic than someone without and background. Just because that tendency has been there in my family doesn’t necessarily make it so for me.

I believe that mental illness is the same way. If my father struggled with a mental illness and one of his parents struggled with a mental illness, does not necessarily mean that I will have a mental illness. It does however put me at a higher risk.

Which is where I agree with what you’re saying about the influence of society and lifestyle. For people with a tendency towards anxiety, depression, bipolar, any combination of unfortunate life events could be the thing that tips the scale.

This is why, (and I agree with you here as well) that we should always be striving to love as Christ loved us. Because regardless of who we are and where we come from and what tendencies we may or may not have, every single one of us will be better off with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

So, now after all of that, I wanted to say that I agree and fully support the posts above that say “It doesn’t matter who or how they’re hurting we just need to show them Jesus.”

I have struggled with my bipolar II since high school (13 years ago) but I only found out what it was I was dealing with about 3.5 years ago. Since I have been labeled, it has been both good and bad. Good personally because I can learn about people dealing with a similar problem. Bad because of the reaction people have when they find out about your label.

When I was diagnosed 3.5 years ago, my husband was the senior pastor of a small conservative rural church. Not one of the regular attenders knew about my struggles and diagnosis. I hid it because I was afraid of what they would say to me, what it might do to my husband’s job.

I didn’t feel like there was a safe place that I could be myself with all of my brokenness and still worship God. Which is my point in all of this, and also why I feel so at home here at Carlos’ blog.

We are ALL broken. We need to be caring for each other and loving on each other and praising God each day that we get up and do it again.

So back to the original question, these commercials tell me that there are a lot of hurting people. I would bet, since I’ve been there, that they don’t feel like they can worship God in their brokenness. I think the church needs to get up off their duff and start being broken. If we as Christ followers are broken publicly then those who are broken privately will see that Christ can help them too.

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What about you?  What do you think?

The scripture for today is Romans 12:4-5

4 Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function,5 so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

The question for the day is: What is your function in the body of Christ?  Are you fulfilling your role?

Finding my function in the body of Christ has been something I worked on this year without intending to work on it.  I think what I’ve discovered so far is that I should be using my gifts from God to help the local church and the global Church.  Its great if I can use what God has blessed me with to help our local church, but I believe it’s even better if I can use those same gifts to benefit the Church globally.  But really, my function in the body of Christ is to praise and worship my Creator with my life.

I heard this story recently on a podcast I frequent and I cannot remember which one it was.  But anyway, this little anecdote went like this:

You are what you focus on.  For example, if you are watching a game or a movie on tv, you react in response to what you’re focusing on.  If the game gets exciting, then you’ll get excited, if the movie takes an unexpected twist, then you may find yourself feeling surprised.  And, if you have ever watched someone watch a movie or a game, then you can see how the movie is or how the game is by looking at their face.  Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who was focused on a game, a movie, video games?  You can talk and they may even respond to you, but you can tell just by the tone of their voice or the response that they give that they’re not focused on you?  It gets kinda irritating doesn’t it?

So, as Jesus followers, we are the same.  We should be so focused on Christ that everyone who looks at us can see Jesus on our face.  That everyone who has a conversation with us can tell by the tone in our voices and the responses that we give that we are focused on Jesus.  And honestly, it will be kind of irritating for some people.  If someone is continuously trying to talk to us about something, but they themselves don’t know Christ, they will become irritated with our lack of focus on them.  “What are you working on?” or “What the heck are you looking at?”  Over and over they’ll become frustrated, but if we stay focused on Christ, eventually they will turn their heads to match our gaze.  “What is it that you are loo — Ohhh.  Wow.”

This was a great description for me of my role in the body of Christ.  To keep my gaze so fixed on my Saviour that people around me will turn toward Him.